Letting Go With Forgiveness

The relief that is expressed by those who truly do a difficult amends is astonishing. All amends are warrior worthy but the one or two that really make you sweat and challenge you to deflate your ego are the character builders.

These are the amends that we are not really sure how they are going to go. If we had to guess, we would probably say they are not going to go very well. These are the people we have really hurt, many, many times. Broken promises, stolen money or dreams, manipulated and taken advantage of their love for us. We have violated them and hurt them deeply over the years.

Maybe its been years of a strained relationship with a brother or sister or parent. If we have teenage or adult children many times that relationship is in need of repair. Maybe it’s a spouse that is severely stung by our repetitive relapses and false promises.

I know this one all too well. In fact my amends to that now ex-spouse happened in 2003 and I can still remember everything about it. Where we were, what was said, the layout of the room and the look on her face and tone of her voice.

I had said some of those things before. She wasted no time reminding me of this, and she was right. I had made apologies to her a few times over the years in a mediocre attempt at making amends.

What she didn’t know is there was a very different experience going on for me. This time I wasn’t there with any pre-meditated thoughts of hearing some form of apology from her for how I felt she wronged me. This time I was there because I knew I needed to do this to recover and clean up my side, not hers.

When she reminded me that I had said all of this before, I said to her, “you are right, I have, but I am here because it is necessary for my recovery to move forward and I appreciate you listening one more time.”

Thankfully, she obliged and allowed me to complete my amends. I knew something was different. I really didn’t want her to speak, if she would have, I would have listened but I was not holding on to the idea that she should give me some form of apology for how she had somehow wronged me. My ego did not need to be fed.

It was a powerful moment in my recovery and one that I realize, many years later, was a significant shift in my relationship with the world. Owning my part and not trying to wrestle out some justification of my actions or get evenness that had been such a hardline mindset in my past was glimpse of a new way to live. It was freeing and truly empowering.

Through release we gain a firmer grasp of our innermost selves. We trust ourselves at a new level and finally realize the power in these few simple words. “If I am not the problem there is no solution.”

When we forgive others, we can begin to forgive ourselves. We lay down our burdens of fear, hurt, and anger and begin to experience our own personal love of self. Something that we all struggle with and eludes us in so many ways. Guilt and shame are both challenging foes. They are difficult to overcome but when we realize owning our part gives us the ability to stand taller in the world, we begin to understand the true nature of recovery and the power of who we are becoming on the inside.

Like so many things in life, the idea of forgiveness and making amends is much harder than the actual act itself. The idea of it fills our egos with dread because when we let go in this deep way our ego dies a little death. It’s no longer running the show. So that voice in our heads that wants to stay separate, alone, and in control will fight forgiveness with vengeance! But through the fearless and thorough step work, we know when we’re ready, and at that point nothing can stop us from healing.

Another thought about this is our fear that if we let go of our pain we’ll also have to let go of our protective inner fortresses. For many of us this has been the justifying lever we pull to play the victim roll or the “go to” reason we use to go back out again and again and again. To do the kind of inner-self work it takes to finally put those destructive mechanisms to rest is where the heavy lifting comes in. This is where the real change, the real effort, the warrior persistence must happen. Making the right choice is not always easy, but over time, if we are true and honest with ourselves and those around us, they become easier. The results will greatly outweigh the devastation patterns we so relied on in the past.

Some of us believe that if they forgive, they’ll become weak, a doormat, or too vulnerable again at the hands of people who could hurt them. We need to keep in mind that forgiveness is not the same thing as agreeing to be everyone’s best friend. We can forgive and choose to have distance if we need it. In fact, forgiveness gives us clarity and opens us up to intuitive guidance, so it helps us make good decisions about who to spend time with and the relationships that need to change. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” 

Holding onto grudges or not seeing how resentment manifests itself within us is the great demise for many addicts. I have worked with many addicts over the years. Many of them can’t see the level of resentments they hold yet they spend a better part of the day judging and complaining about everybody and everything around them.

There is a reason the action of the ninth step is so freeing and filled with promises of a changed life. Letting go is the secret but getting there is the challenge. Taking the first step towards that freedom is a choice to live a new and richer life.

Over the years it has proven itself many times to be the missing piece and this is why our goal for our clients is for them to reach this vital step. If you are searching for a program or some direction on the path to recovery please give us a call – 404-991-3575.