Finding The Mental Obsession

Over the years I have told my story hundreds of times. Not the long version but the one that finally connected some dots and allowed me to move into long term sobriety. The story of the miracle moment of finally conceding to my innermost self and realizing that I was the problem and not everyone and everything else.

What I have realized over the years is what it took to have that miracle moment. It didn’t just happen, there were other pieces that needed to be realized, accepted and understood before I could get to the place of fully conceding. One of the key pieces was finally seeing the mental obsession happening in my mind. Here is why it was important to get that clarity.

1. Because I had been to hundreds of 12 step meetings and a treatment program but I still didn’t know what the mental obsession looked like or felt like inside of me. I understood the words, but I didn’t really know where or how it manifested itself inside of me. Then one day I saw it happening and I realized I had been having that same argument with myself my entire life.
2. Over the years I have heard so many people talk about how they don’t know why they picked up again. They don’t see the obsessive thoughts happening in their minds. Here is a clear example of cunning, baffling and powerful. Addiction is so elusive we don’t even see it happening right in front of us or actually right inside of our own heads.

Once we do though it changes us. We see it. It’s no longer cloaked and invisible. What we do with it at this point further defines our direction in recovery. We can stay in denial or choose to ignore this uncloaked mind trap. I know I did for a while longer, but I could no longer deny that I wasn’t an addict. It was very clear now.

This is where I can make the choice to stop blaming other people for my using and trying to figure out how this happened again. The reality is I keep thinking about it and coming up with all kinds of ways to deceive myself and others so I can do what I want to do. It’s no one’s fault but my own.

It has nothing to do with the wife or mother or father or job or time of the year or children or Covid-19 or the sober living people or the Starbuck’s Barista that didn’t make my Latte the right way or my car breaking down or the loss of a loved one or a pet or the sun is shining or the sun is not shining. It doesn’t matter any more. I am the problem.

NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH IT?